For the past three years my world has revolved around one man. We met, hit it off, and wound up being together for three years. I dont like to give too much personal info on here so I'll just refer to him as J.
I fell for him before he fell for me, but I was willing to wait. This guy was great. He was worth waiting for.
Unfortunately, during our first year, we had to spend quite a bit of time apart off and on. I made mistakes, ones that I was honest about. Even if you mess up, you have to be honest to the person you're with. Honesty is a huge thing.
We broke up a couple times during these three years. Four times actually, if you count our final break-up. But I kept going back because I know in my gut that we are supposed to know each other. In the end though, he fell out of love and didnt want to be with me.
You hear the phrase "its a thin line between love and hate" but I never really understood it until this last time we broke up. I have days of both for him. But overall, my Love for J is too strong and I have to go with my gut feeling. We are still friends. In fact, we really are best friends.
He still loves me, but not the same way anymore. He's not in love with me. It hurts. Its hard to understand how it just fades away. But you cant help how you feel.
We will always know each other. We will always have love for each other. End of story.
^
(sac)
IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!
How are you feeling today?
So my blog is called the Ranting Dreamer. All I've done so far is rant. Whoever reads this is going to start thinking all I do is complain. I dream too. I dream in real life, my day dreams. Like any girl I dream of Prince Charming and my castle. I want the normal things out of life. A man who loves me just as much as I love him. A nice home together. And in the future, a family possibly. I want to travel and meet everyone there is to meet. I want to go to college and get a degree in every general study. I have so many good (kinda impossible) dreams in real life.
It's a different story when I close my eyes to sleep at night. I have very vivid, very horrible dreams. I do not remember the last time I had a good dream. They consist of tornadoes, snakes, cliffs, zombies, abduction, rape, torture, death, and the end of the world. I have actually died in two of my dreams. It IS possible to die in your dreams, unlike everyone says.
I wish I was an artist or a writer. I would paint the pictures of my dreams. They are so insane!! I want to share what is inside my head with the world. But I am definitely no artist and I'm not very good with the written word. If I could I'd put my night time dreams on paper. They'd only be for a certain crowd. Seeing as how I dream of really fucked up things. But maybe if I go to school and get edumacated then I could make some of my dreams come true.
School is one of the first steps to making my dreams come true. I'm on it!
^
(sac)
Ugh I hate how I had such a good day yesterday and now I'm super frustrated today. I've got to get my damn arm fixed. I just wanna scream and punch everyone I see. I think that I possibly need some coffee. I read in one of my favorite magazines Women's World that women who drink coffee are less likely to be depressed that day. I need my own place again so that I can really be myself again.
I guess you could say that I'm kind of a loner. I enjoy my Me Time and people drive me insane. If I want it quiet, then I get frustrated that its not that way. But everyone gets lonely from time to time. Then I get frustrated that I can't be around the people I wanna see. I have a history of panic/anxiety attacks. Never diagnosed by a doctor but it's obvious thats what it is. The crying, shaking, cant handle the noise. The want to scream my lungs out and not wanting to be touched by anyone.
I made this blog available for everyone on my facebook to see. Today, I feel that was a mistake. I cant sit here and rant about everything thats on my mind when I have family as my audience. I had a stupid fight with one member of my family today because another member of my family threw me under the fuckin bus. About something soooo tiny and meaningless. But because the one said something to the other making it into something more then it was, it got blown up. I hate it here.
I didnt grow up without the things I needed. I was taken care of. But one thing I always remember from a child to now as an adult, I'm never allowed to be mad. Ever. And if I let off one ounce of me being mad she jumps down my throat. Like seriously not allowed to cry or yell or be upset about anything. If I say one thing, one tiny line about something, all of a sudden I have a fuckin attitutude according to her. I am 24 years old and am still being controlled by my mother.I gotta get the fuck outta here.
I cant be myself around here. I need to be surrounded by my own things, do my own thing. I need my own place. No roommates. Just me. I know I will thrive on my own. I just gotta get there.
^
(sac)
I'm gonna start off letting you all know that I am not a very good writer. I also don't mind to shorten some of my words a bit to fit my own personality. Plus, for the time being, I'm typing with only one hand.
I broke my hand on Dec. 10th, 2011. It was my first break and my first surgery EVER in my 24 years of life. Well, technically, I broke my wrist. I'll attempt to post a pic on here.
Though it was my first break and first surgery in nearly a quarter of a century, I am no stranger to the ER. My Mom said I was taken in as baby/toddler with severe dehydration (which happened to me once again in the 8th grade). I ran into a wall in elementary school and had a huge knot on my head. I stepped in front of my sister on a swing and got kicked in the face. Had a bike wreck and got pretty torn up, have a few scars from it. We moved, I had another bike wreck which landed me a few stitches in my left bottom eyelid, plus other scars. And I've also been in to the ER on a few occasions just for being sick. I have no insurance so I cannot go to a regular doctor. That's all for now without going into too much detail.
I suppose it was appropriate for me to break my wrist at the end of last year. 2011 wasn't exactly kind to me. I thought it started off decently by landing a new job. Previous to the new job I had worked a seasonal job for three years, which is good except being laid off for a good portion of the year. My new job started off with insurance and vacation time AND was a year round job!!! I thought it was going to be a great year. Then I had got a guy fired because he was becoming too "friendly" with me. Then I got tendonitis in my arm, which caused me to use only one arm. They preached safety there and always told us to use both arms in our work then forced me to use only arm which caused more pain in my good arm and my back. The health of my body was more important then trying to keep that job. So I quit.
Now I'm umemployed and have to rely on my boyfriend to take care of the both of us. Good thing he had a good job. We lived together since August 2009 and he was my world. He always took care of me financially (which is not why we got together, at the beginning I was the one with the money). Our passion was on fire at the beginning. There was a lot of strain on our relationship. Somewhere along the line, he fell out of love with me. He broke up with Nov. 2nd, 2011. I quit my "minimum wage, taking up time" job the next day after only working there for two months. It was useless to keep a minimum wage job when I had to drive to another town to keep it.
Out of work, living with my mom again, I went on a month long binge of drinking. Anywhere I could get it, I did. I took any opportunity to drown my sorrows and flash a fake smile for everyone to see. Not to mention I did a few things while drinking that I regret. I suppose you live and learn. Then, Dec 10th, 2011 I broke my wrist. I was drunk when it happened.
For the past month I have been sitting around my parents house feeling sorry for myself. I need to get out of my funk, so I'm hoping by keeping a blog that I can pull myself out of this rut. It's not ok for me to sit around feeling sorry for myself when I know people out there who have life a little more rough then I do.
I have been to several funerals since March 2011. I know more people who are sick. Please pray for them to get better and fight what is ailing them. If they cannot fight it, I hope they pass with the least amount of pain as possible and with their loved ones. I pray for them not to hurt anymore.
There has been way too much loss in the year of 2011. Now time to pick up the pieces. My life rests in my hands. Time to make it better.
^
(sac)
